


Close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord.

by wolfintestines



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:46:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6991999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfintestines/pseuds/wolfintestines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title from "Human" by The Killers</p><p>Remus Lupin comes home after losing his job a Hogwarts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord.

Since Remus assumed that he and Sirius shared a haven once again, he Apparated to the entrance of his modest Yorkshire property. From the sidewalk, Remus saw Buckbeak curled up, barely fitting his compact backyard. Remus’ suspicion was confirmed. Of course Sirius would allow the hippogriff to ignore all of the woods that ringed Remus’ and neighbors’ properties. Remus even had the largest portion of woods since he lived on a corner lot. His cottage, arguably a shack, was surprisingly still standing up, as if it had a will to survive no matter what it suffered. Remus crept down the walkway, terrified to wake the hippogriff.

When he reached the door, Remus noticed a slip of parchment tucked in the mail slot. He took the half weather-beaten piece of parchment, scanning it. It was only a note from his Magizoologist neighbor, Attila, thanking him for looking after his his menagerie over the Easter holiday. Disgruntled about not receiving more for dealing with the dwarf Chimaera with a Napoleon complex or the pack of Cornish pixies with shrill squabbles, Remus crumpled up the paper and stuffed it into the pocket of his pants. Despite the entire menagerie being minature, they all made up for their size with either violence or irritability, except for the unusually docile dwarf manticore.

No thief would ever consider looting the shambles of the cottage(besides, Sirius hated locking doors), so Remus opened the door and stepped into the cottage. It was a small place composed of several tiny closed-off boxes of rooms. Remus fumbled through the dark of his home to reach the light that came from the kitchen. He poked his around the corner of the entrance to the kitchen and spotted Sirius in there, seated at the table, devouring what was left of an almost empty plate of steak and russet potatoes. A burning green candle was also on the table. Remus wondered what a candlelit dinner for one was like for the extrovert.

Remus stared at him until Sirius looked up and explained, “I bought you some groceries. I dropped Buckbeak off here, went back to my childhood house to pick up a stash of money from my room-I’d forgotten I had left a wad of money under my bed until maybe nine or so years ago-then I went to the grocery store. Now I’m here.”

Remus found the appearance of his old friend and flame startling. Sirius reminded him of the wax mannequins at the mysteriously abandoned wax museum the two of them had explored the summer after sixth year when Sirius came over. So blank and worn down. Remus wondered if the same image of the eerie faded mannequins came up in Sirius’ mind whenever he looked at himself in the mirror. The nostalgia stabbed and embraced him all at the same time.

“Remus?”

The sound of Sirius’ voice forced Remus to veer off of memory lane. “I don’t mind. You need to eat.” Remus’ breath caught. “How did you go to Warbler’s without being recognized?”

“Your neighbor caught me. You know, your only true neighbor.” Sirius shoveled a bite of steak into his mouth, and Remus was relieved because the Magizoologist kept to himself. “I don’t think he recognized me. Do you think he would?”

Remus shrugged. “Attila is quite an oblivious and accepting person. If he did recognize you, then he wouldn’t have reported it. He has illegal creatures and hates Azkaban. He’s all for Azkaban reformations.”

“Oh, so no worries. He was interested in Buckbeak, asked me some questions. He told me about a tiny hippogriff he had years ago.” Sirius scoffed down a couple of russet potatoes before continuing. “I got the vibe he was trustworthy enough since he mentioned you and all that you do for him, so I asked if he had some Polyjuice Potion on hand or at least the ingredients for it. He said he always kept a vial of his knock-off version that was essentially had the same chemistry of Polyjuice, but he said it lacked the cancer-causing chemicals of Polyjuice. He told me I only needed to add part of whoever I wanted to become in order to use it. I asked if he could give me a strand of his hair. He gave me a strand of his hair, then I took my chances and went over to his house to take the supposedly better form of Polyjuice. I turned into him, then he offered me his old Muggle car to head to Warbler’s. Shit, I could’ve dressed up as a Death Eater without anyone raising an eyebrow in there.”

“You can’t ever be too careful,” Remus muttered.

"Of course you can't." Sirius finished the last of his russet potatoes. As he headed to the sink to put away his plate, he commented, “I’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

Remus requested, “Just in case they find you, can you tell me where you’ll be heading, assuming that they can’t keep up with you?”

Sirius went over to Remus and stopped before him. “I’m not going to stick around in Europe, that’s for sure. I’ll be far off. Maybe I’ll seek asylum in America. No, I won’t go there. I think I’ll go somewhere warmer than there.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

Sirius told him, “I wish you could. I don’t want you to be accused of being an accomplice, though. Stay close to Harry. Keep an eye on him for me.”

Remus promised, “I will. That will be a little more difficult, though. I don’t teach at Hogwarts, anymore.”

Sirius appeared shocked. “Why, Remus?”

“Snape divulged that I was a werewolf. I was forced to resign. I couldn’t stay since parents would bombard Dumbledore about the potential dangers of a werewolf teacher and students would be afraid of me. I had no other choice.”

Sirius growled, “Hippogriff shit! Why the fuck would he do that?”

“The Shrieking Shack incident a few nights ago was a close call.”

“Well, you don’t teach night classes at Hogwarts. You head to the Shrieking Shack to deal with your furry little problem. No Hogwarts student ventures there. Ron, Harry, and Hermione were a one-time exception. You’re not a danger to anyone.”

“I’ve had to work jobs that are beneath my education and capabilities only because I’m a werewolf. I can’t even keep one of those jobs longer than a few months since that’s when observant employers and employees figure out why I ask off work once a month. Why would I be accepted as a Hogwarts teacher?”

“Life has been too cruel to you.”

Remus wanted to change the topic. He inquired, “What would you like to know?”

This was when Sirius started his interrogation. “How did the funeral go?”

“It was depressing. It was a joint funeral, and not many people came. Many people were too afraid to come since they were aware of their involvement with fighting against Voldemort.” Remus gritted his teeth.

“Did you give a eulogy?”

“Yes. I eulogized both. I was the only one that did both; they each had others that eulogized them.”

“What did you say about James?”

“I talked about the first time all four of us met on the Hogwarts Express. The way you could tell James was loved by his parents. The time James grabbed Lucius Malfoy’s collar when Lucius was struck by a Bludger during James’ first Quidditch match. The way he wanted his detention slips to take up a drawer in Filch’s office. The things James did to woo Lily. The time she didn’t reject him. The time you tried to kill Snape by leading him to the Whomping Willow, but James saved him.” When Sirius winced, Remus sighed. “I was angry with you.”

“Rightfully so,” Sirius admitted.

“I talked about the way James teared up when he saw Lily walk down the aisle. His habit of transfiguring jackasses into donkeys. The way he treated her like a queen when she was pregnant.”

“What about Lily?”

“The way she could see the best in anyone despite their faults and how she was willing to stand up for anyone being wronged. The times she was there for me when no one else could be. The devotion she had to the ones she loved. The way she could figure out how to do even the most complicated spells within a few hours. The time she hexed that Slytherin gang when they caught Peter alone and how they were too embarrassed and terrified to report her. How she sacrificed herself to save Harry. How no one was able to despise her for the person she was.”

“Did Peter come?”

“No, he didn’t. I found a few months ago why he didn’t come.” Tears brimmed Remus’ eyes.

“Remus, let it out,” Sirius soothed.

Remus took a deep breath and gasped, “I’m reliving it.”

Sirius pulled Remus into an embrace. Remus buried his face into Sirius’ chest for the first time in a long time. The scents of cigarette smoke, Firewhiskey, and woods wafted into his nose. As his tears formed a constellation on Sirius’ shirt, Remus suddenly understood what people meant when they called their significant others ‘home.’ Sirius was a home he hadn’t been to in over a decade, but Sirius was familiar and desired by him. Remus could not understand how he had turned on Sirius and was able to ignore the feeling that something was off about Sirius being charged for their murders, as well as the murders of the group of Muggles. When Sirius started nuzzling his neck, Remus considered running off with him. There was no work in Europe for him. However, he had his responsibility to help Harry survive, and that outweighed a chance to have a job and his lover back. Reminding himself of Harry kept him from giving in to his selfish desires.

Sirius whispered, “What did you think of me?”

Remus carefully considered the question before offering an answer. “Before I knew, I assumed you had become the scum of the earth. It didn’t seem like you to suddenly become your parents after all of the time swore you would never become like them, but nothing made sense. But-”

“No, before any of that. I’m talking about before James and Lily died. Those few months before they died and after we broke up.”

“I thought you were very disturbed. You were well aware that you were fighting for the right cause, but you were horrified by Voldemort. You were like Peter in that sense.” When Sirius scowled at this comparison, Remus looked up at Sirius and caressed his face. “The difference between you and him was that he was able to live with himself after betraying all of us. You would have never forgiven yourself if you had turned your back on us.”

“How did you cope?”

Remus confessed, “I just dwelled on it. It was a rough time for me when James and Lily died. I was also grieving over Peter’s supposed death. I was forced to accept the idea that you were a murderer. I desperately wanted to reject that notion, but I had no other theory. I scoured newspapers to find a credible story that retracted the claim that you killed James and Lily, but I never did. I… I had to deal with the belief that I had lost everyone that cared about me.”

“So did I,” Sirius mumbled.

Remus sighed. “It was even worse for you. I spent those twelve years feeling bitter. Those twelve years of your life were spent drowning in your bitterness.”

“If I hadn’t been thrown in Azkaban , I would’ve died. It took me all of this time to realize that.”

“You could’ve been free.”

Sirius shook his head. “The only place I wouldn’t want to die in is Azkaban. I felt like I was going off the rails before going there. The stress of the war was affecting me. You could see that. I would’ve died fighting… or I would’ve killed myself. We were so young back then. At twenty-one, we both lost everyone we loved. Now, it’s just me and you and this fucking awful world.”

“If I hadn’t broken up with you, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“No, Remus, I’m not blaming you-”

Remus pushed Sirius away. “I shouldn’t have held back! Bottling myself up was how I dealt with the war! I just didn’t want to make you worry! All I wanted was for you to not be constantly be focused on the war, but then I shut you out like that’s how you go about that! Merlin, the war ruined everyone somehow!” Remus began panting at the conclusion of his outburst. The past wrapped around him like a noose.

Sirius cautiously suggested, “Remus, take it easy.”

Remus could tell that he had a crazed look about him that was terrifying Sirius. He was too keyed up to calm down enough for Sirius’ liking. The toll of his lack of sleep was starting to affect him again. Remus found that when he was running low on sleep, he would first feel fatigue, then transcend the tiredness, then crash back down. This was the start of the third stage. He could hardly think of what to say to Sirius to make up for the past twelve years and the present. Remus found out he had started crying again when Sirius started wiping the tears of his face. Remus bit his lip as if it would restrain the sobs.

Sirius reassured, “It’s alright to cry. So much has happened.”

Remus fully broke down and clung to Sirius. Silence hung in the air until Remus calmed down enough to speak in a quavering voice. “I-I still feel awful that I assumed you murdered your own best friends and attempted to murder your godson. You were their Secret Keeper, so I-”

“Remus, I wasn’t their Secret Keeper. I was going to be, but then I put some thought into it. You don’t have to be Sherlock to figure out that I would be the first choice for Secret Keeper. I convinced them to let Peter be their Secret Keeper. I thought Voldemort would think of him as a bumbling fool, and he would feel honored, but-” Sirius choked on his words.

“No wonder he was a little rat,” Remus snarled. “We should have killed him! Why did we listen to Harry?”

“When I saw their bodies, I wished I had taken their place. When I was charged for their murders, I knew it was my punishment for recommending the wrong person for the job. I would’ve chosen you, but I didn’t want you to be in danger. I’d been the Secret Keeper, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“It would have only delayed it. Voldemort was determined to have them dead. He was angling for the Order of the Phoenix. I’m surprised he or his Death Eaters didn’t kill us.”

“I worried that the Death Eaters would go after you.”

“When we were in Hogwarts, their sons-some of them were probably already Death Eaters themselves-tried to recruit me to join the werewolf pack, but I wasn’t going to do that. They’ll realize the error of their ways one of these days.”

“Maybe not. They’ll just die ignorant.”

“It’s just nice to think that they’ll suffer for their actions.”

Sirius nodded. “It is. But once a Death Eater, you’re always a Death Eater. Even Regulus couldn’t escape being a Death Eater.”

“To think that a person could be corrupted to abandon their humanity…” Remus trailed off. He did not believe he had the words to serve the concept justice.

“It’s a shame.”

“It is.” Remus then offered, “Is that all you wanted to know about what’s happened since you entered Azkaban?”

Sirius pursed his lips in deep thought. After a moment, he confirmed, “It is.”

Remus feared that this was the part where Sirius tells him goodbye for an indefinite amount of time. This was possibly a second chance. If a few minutes with Sirius was all he would be granted, then he should not waste them. “I’m glad you waited for me and considered my cottage yours.”

Sirius’ bark-like laugh thrilled Remus, even if it was somewhat forced. “Where else could I go? I’m yours, you’re mine, and that’s the way it is with us.”

Sirius embraced him. The two intertwined with each other. Remus locked lips with Sirius, and the two passionately, hopelessly kissed. Remus had missed Sirius’ adventurous tongue willing to reach every corner of his mouth. The noose of the past was replaced by a kiss of the past, enveloping him. Traces of fear still coursed through his veins, but he could mostly ignore the worry and focus on Sirius. When Sirius broke up the kiss first, Remus felt a bit heartbroken. Still, Sirius had him by the shoulders.

“I have to go,” Sirius said. “I’ll write to you. I won’t be in one place for long, so there’s no need for you to reply. I’ll just let you know that I’m free as a bird, and hopefully that’s enough for you.”

“Alright. Just write to me often.”

Sirius started nibbling the skin of Remus’ neck. Remus leaned so that the tip of his nose could touch Sirius’ cheekbone, a smile escaping from him. It was the most intimate wordless moment between them that night.

When they agreed to let go of each other, Remus escorted Sirius outside. Sirius woke up Buckbeak by calling his name and barely shaking him. Buckbeak’s eyes flickered, and when they settled on staying open, Buckbeak let out a cry that caused Remus to jump. Sirius climbed up on the hippogriff, then casted a Disillusionment Charm on the creature. They ascended into the star-speckled night sky, Remus watched them fly out of his sight.

Remus returned to his cottage and went into his bedroom, where the bed was unmade and dipped down in the middle. Of course Sirius wouldn’t make up the bed. Remus fell asleep on top of the covers, too exhausted to slip underneath the sheets. Sleep came to him swiftly and hung on to him for a long time.

Disoriented, Remus finally woke up when the bright rays of noon filtered through the window. For a moment, Remus wondered if Sirius showing up at his cottage had been just a bizarre dream. Staying in Europe for a few days was a risky move that even reckless Sirius wouldn’t consider if the Wizarding world was seeking him. Remus shuffled outside to see if he had any mail in the mailslot. There was nothing.

Remus decided to amble down to the woods for a thought-clearing walk. On his way to the woods, he noticed a feather on the ground of his backyard, and he picked up. He identified it a hippogriff feather. Remus became aware that last night, Sirius was not a mirage. Yorkshire was not a native land for hippogriffs, and they resided in much larger forests than the ones in Remus’ backyard. It was evidence that Sirius and he repeated the past the night before. The present held different circumstances, but they were still connected, like they had been in the good old days of the past.


End file.
